Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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