Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
