Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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