I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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