3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I looked at my own cervix.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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