Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
