I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
