So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
