Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
