I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
