just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
