Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
