I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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