Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
