we have officially lost it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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