Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
