youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
