Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
