he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I believe in your delicious
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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