dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
