Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
