can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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