I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
