why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
