Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
