I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
