so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
