While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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