The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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