its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
