I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
