just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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