I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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