I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
