broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
