He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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