There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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