i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
