I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
