how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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