oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
