Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
