I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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