I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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