there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
