Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
