The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
