Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
