I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
