You made me cry and you don't even care
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
